Someone needs to read this.
I can’t recall how many days I let slip away when I was using.
Or better put, how many times I used a rainy day as an excuse to wallow in self pity and guilt and drink, drink, drink.
My intolerance was so out of control. Any slight environmental shift would send me tail-spinning into the best reason to stay in bed and be unproductive. The best reason to stay home and drink. Nothing worked better then a rainy day.
Yes, rainy days were best.
During one of my many sessions with Doctor, we discussed why I couldn’t seem to handle rainy days. It seems so trite now but we really had a conversation about it. Actually, we had several.
He was such a master. He never judged. He would simply allow me to weave my stories; stories full of silly reasons and childlike logic. Stories that dictated my very existence. On this one occasion my story started with the reason why I didn’t make it in to work and it led us down a path:
“My boss didn’t praise my work. He probably didn’t like it.”
“My mom didn’t respond to my text yet. She must be mad at me.”
“My lover didn’t call me back … probably cheating (this ended up being true).”
“This outfit doesn’t look right on me. Fuck it, I’m not going.”
“Doctor, I couldn’t make it to work. It was raining so hard. I just covered up and burrowed deeper into the sheets with dread.”
“Dread?” He replied. “I’ve heard of people dreading lions, but never rain”. And that glorious questioning expression gradually spread across his face. Never a full out grin. No, he never gave a full grin. At least not during our sessions. After all this was serious stuff we were tackling.
I don’t know when the light came on. When I truly began to understand that I wasn’t looking at life through the proper lens. My rainy perspective seemed accurate and I walked around thinking that everything was the way it was for real because it seemed real to me.
But eventually I began to see. Not completely in Doctor’s lifetime. But eventually.
I treasure most his gift of naked and honest logic.
And now we are here. At an appropriate time to give a quick plug for therapy. If you don’t have a good therapist, get one. Find someone who has a passion for their craft and deep yearning for understanding how the psyche works. A throwback. A classic. Someone who loves the human mind so much that they’d treat you for free.
Doctor is gone now, but I try my best to channel him as often as I can. I leave you with this from him –
Dread is big. Use it wisely and judiciously.